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First Things First

first
Believe  NOW is all there is
then
Know it
Feel it
If now is all there is, I carry NOW into the next milli second…my future…
If now is my present and my future, is it my eternal
if now is eternal, what do I have to worry about…now….really !!!

LUV

‘LOVE liberates, it does not bind. Ego holds’

Maya Angelou

Destruction

When NOW is ok, do not confuse it with fear, guilt, doubts and questions

Perspective

If I want to change who I am, change what I do. When I wash my own windows, my neighbor’s window looks much cleaner.

…We look for logic ! We might as well drink a 2-6 oz of vodka and be all over the emotional map as believe that life is logical. Lies, deceipt, falsehood, misrepresentations, untruths…Ever Happen to You? Lies and more lies with no foundation ! People, friends in search of self aggrandizement using  your vulnerability? Ever Happen to You?

Broken Open ! The power of pain is humility.

Know Thyself

Don’t give up on your mission because of fear and criticism. Often God calls us to do something beyond our natural abilities. Do not respond to the critics. What they say does not define you.

He Cared Enough

I almost cancelled my app’t this morning with the back specialist…Yesterday, I needed to cry. I could not… my head jammed. Old childhood familial hurts and owees were  exploding in my heart.
This morning doing a quick meditation, feeling  the level lack of family support,  bam!  It hits me right into my low back.  At last,  the tears  flow and I cannot  not stop.  Now, I REALLY want to cancel but it is late with only one hour to go. Not showing up would be rude and disrespectful for someone with his qualifications. Showing up would have to be what it would be.
He enters the room. Well…friggggg… I can’t stop crying. My heart breaks open. Difficult week with pain referral in the Bermuda Triangle (low back and hips) + muscles pain in both legs. That is the indicator to him that something is amiss.  I was seeing him today for preventative measure for hip replacement #2 in September. I told him my mind was at war over seeing him today and apologize for the melt down. He connects to my essence. The rawness of pain, enveloped by confusion, feeling overwhelmed and saturated by false promises of relief is evident.  I could see it in his eyes he feels it.  At this point , having satisfactorily checked out my back he can say ” See Ya”.
I continued wrestling to gain self control but vulnerability won and no amount of resistance could hold back the stream of heart felt emotions which controlled this experience.
Compassion looks me straight in the eyes and he offers to help.
 He is referring me to a rheumatologist and another specialist which …in shock… i’ve forgotten at the moment.  I am grateful he was present to me today. In truth, right now, I am more  afraid…
My girl friend summed it up really well ” But wow, wasn’t expecting more layers on your diagnosis.